Bringing it all back home

I’ve just admitted that I do have more control over the Internet than I do over my pen and pencil. My cyber-experiences are, in fact, controllable. Though my first instinct was to feel cold and sterile, I can see the value of life without distractions—life that is clean and situated in a non-place. The Internet isn’t a physical, face-to-face conversation, but it is a conversation nonetheless (hmmm…remediation anyone?). I have to accept the idea that the Internet is just as real as a coffee shop or dinner with friends.

I just still can’t get over how I feel when I’m in cyberspace—my brain throbs; my shoulders are tense; my back is bent; my eyes are dry and tired. I am physically uncomfortable when I am using the Internet; whereas, I can sit down to write a poem anytime, anywhere and feel at home with my mind, body, and soul. Writing poetry is one of the few experiences I have where I can re-center my thoughts and focus on the feeling I get when the words start flowing. When I’m in cyberspace, I feel nothing. [And then, it hits me…] Feeling nothing IS something. What do I mean when I say something ?

I start my day by checking and responding to email. Periodically, I’ll have to send a reminder or point of order to my students, so I do spend additional time emailing messages to them. As I am a poor, graduate student, I (warily) check my credit and debit balances each morning. When it’s time to take a lunch break, I like to play online Scrabble while I’m eating (usually two games at a time, as I find great pleasure in beating two people at once—tee hee). I often spend time on the Internet Movie Database, adding to the useless catalogue of information already in my head. Also, I neurotically check the Sopranos website for news and announcements (can’t wait for that elusive sixth season). If it’s football season, I’ll warm my heart with the black-and-gold of Steelers.com. Finally, every once in a while, I check on Pollstar for upcoming concerts (the anticipation of a great show is what gets me through these dreary days in Ohio).

What do I look for when I visit these websites? Email keeps me connected to any number of folks I wouldn’t otherwise be connected to. I can keep tabs on my finances without ever having to walk into a bank. I can satisfy my competitive nature and utter obsession with Scrabble. I can stay constantly informed as to my precious Sopranos and can stay in touch with my vicious hometown loyalty.

I hate to say it, because it means I might actually be getting somewhere in this blog, but these websites provide me with the conversations I’m not having in real life. My relationship with these websites only changes in relation to whether or not I physically have Internet access. These websites are my clickable friends. The Internet is my FRIEND?! S**t, what did I just get myself into?

Time to bring it all back home…

I’ve indulged my need for control. I’ve decided that feeling nothing is actually feeling something. I’ve admitted that interacting with the Internet can be akin to friendship. Now, I will resume my role as the devil’s advocate. Just because I can realize these things doesn’t mean I have to like it. I don’t want to open a fresh can of worms, but where would I be if the Internet hadn’t ever existed?

I would be experiencing life first person, rather than through a mediated, mish-mash of pixels. I would be writing postcards, tapping my foot in line for a bank teller, waiting for my next Scrabble adversary, and reading real books, with real pages (oh yeah, I remember what it was like to read books for pleasure…). Instead, I am like a fly to light, experiencing the awesome glow of life through being stuck to a computer screen.

So, is something really better than nothing? I’m not so sure.